Lonely battle: Silent heartaches of single fathers

These days it’s common to see single fathers on the streets holding hands with their kids or carrying their babies— touching scenes of affection. But behind these tender moments often lie a deep hurt, writes ADEBAYO FOLORUNSHO-FRANCIS

Rotimi Akinwande, a 40-year-old photographer from Ondo State, runs a modest studio in Egbeda, Lagos while also pursuing part-time studies. Driven and ambitious, Akinwande once dreamed of becoming a counsellor. But the unexpected death of his wife, Stephanie, five years ago turned his dreams into a daily struggle.

Stephanie, an on-air personality at a Lagos radio station, had been Akinwande’s partner in life for four years. Together, they had two sons, ages four and 10 months, when she died in December 2019. “She passed away at the hospital, right before my eyes,” Akinwande recalls. “In that moment, my world fell apart. Thankfully, my siblings and friends supported me through my grief.”

Akinwande describes his late wife as hardworking and passionate, often hosting radio shows on Sunday evenings. The day she passed away, Stephanie had felt weak and fatigued. A nurse checked her vitals, which appeared normal, but she insisted on going to work.
Halfway through her show, she handed over to her boss and returned home. When her condition worsened, she was admitted to a nearby hospital, where doctors diagnosed her with malaria. Despite initial improvement, she passed away that night. “I wish I could have done something differently,” Akinwande reflects. “My children and I miss her dearly, especially her smile and wisdom.”

Telling his young children about their mother’s death was one of the hardest things he’s ever done. “At first, I tried to hide it from them. Eventually, I had to break the news and tell them their mum wasn’t coming back.”

In Nigeria, the experiences of single fathers are rarely highlighted. Society tends to give more recognition to widows, often overlooking the struggles of widowed men. “There were days when I had no money and no one to turn to. I’ve cried many times,” he admits. “But I’m lucky to have good siblings who stood by me. My boys look forward to seeing their cousins during holidays.”
When asked if he plans to remarry, Akinwande hesitates. “No marriage can heal this kind of pain. I find joy in watching my youngest son, who is now five, grow up. He reminds me of his mother.”

For single fathers like Akinwande, balancing work, childcare, and societal expectations can lead to stress and mental strain. Many feel uncomfortable discussing the idea of finding love again, feeling that it might threaten their bond with their children. In some cases, this stress takes a toll on their health.

A 2018 study published in ‘The Lancet Public Health’ found that single fathers in Canada had more than double the risk of premature death compared to single mothers or married fathers.

 “Single fathers are a vulnerable group,” explains Rachel Simpson, an epidemiologist at Oxford University, highlighting the need for supportive public health policies.

“Our research highlights that single fathers have higher mortality, and demonstrates the need for public health policies to help identify and support these men,” said lead author Maria Chiu, a scientist at the University of Toronto.

 The researchers surveyed nearly 40,500 people across different cities in Canada in a space of 11 years. The samples cut 4,590 single moms and 871 single dads who were in their early 40s when the study began.  The publication stated that nearly 700 of the subjects died by the end of the survey period.

 But unlike married couples or single moms, the mortality rate was three times higher among single fathers parenting on their own.  “These results show that single fathers might be a particularly vulnerable group,” an epidemiologist at the University of Oxford, Rachel Simpson, noted.
The Lancet Public Health also observed that a breakup or the loss of a spouse is a risk factor for mental ill-health.

Another single father, Olalekan Onaolapo, has also endured profound loss. Onaolapo, a business administration graduate, lost his wife, Fatima and baby during labour. Only three years into their marriage, his wife had a stillbirth and died shortly after due to complications.

Heartbroken, Onaolapo blamed her death on the negligence of the hospital staff and the untimely revelation of the stillbirth by his mother-in-law, which he believes raised his wife’s blood pressure and led to her fatal complications.

 “I will attribute her death to the unprofessional conduct of the nurse on duty. I also blame the carelessness of my mother-in-law who was phoning their people to narrate the bad news in front of my late wife.

 “I think that was what really made her blood pressure rise uncontrollably before she gave up the ghost. It should have been a double celebration for us as we plan to throw a birthday party along with the naming ceremony.

 “But who are we to question God? It was a very terrible experience to witness the demise of both mother and unborn child at labour. I fainted instantly. The shock was too much for me,” he recalled.

Since then, Onaolapo, a former reporter for City People magazine, has struggled with his in-laws, who initially denied him access to his son and confiscated his wife’s belongings. “They took her things without my knowledge. They even went to the police, claiming I wasn’t supporting my son,” he added.
 After a long legal struggle, Onaolapo now has custody of his son. Yet, the trauma has left him with little desire to pursue another relationship.

 But when he thought the worst was over, Onaolapo’s in-laws allegedly visited the loss of their daughter on him.

He said, “Since my wife’s death, I have experienced some sort of torture from my mother-in-law and the siblings. After her funeral, they gained access to my room and carted away her phones, clothes, documents, credit cards and everything they perceived as her own without my approval.

 “I was in shock because it was the last thing I expected from those I revere as a family. Afterwards, my mother-in-law took custody of our son, denied me full access to him and ensured she extorted me every two weeks for his upkeep.

 “She tormented me to the point that she went to Alakara Police Station, Lagos, to report that I wasn’t living up to my responsibility as a father. But the officers insisted it was a family issue and advised we settle it amicably for my late wife’s soul to be at peace.

 “But mama ignored the advisory until she was arrested and transferred to Ikeja division where she was schooled on the rights of a father. To God be the glory, my son is now with me and we are living fine.”

 The widower explained that the ordeal affected his psyche and affected his desire to remarry.
“It is killing. I believe in building a strong foundation for my boy. I have done everything in my capacity to make sure he lacks nothing. For now, I can’t even think of going into any relationship,” he declared.

Ayodele Babatunde, a facility manager at a private school in Lagos, lost his wife, Oluronke, unexpectedly, two years ago. Shortly after her passing, he also lost his mother-in-law, who had been caring for their 12-year-old daughter.
On that fateful day, Oluronke, 32, had woken early in the morning to prepare breakfast for the family. Babatunde said he later heard his mother-in-law arguing with his wife.

“I concluded it was just one of those mother-daughter quarrels. So, I didn’t get involved. Instead, I kept urging them to take it easy,” he said.

 After a while, his mother-in-law stormed out of the house in anger and his wife urged him to see her mother off.

He said, “I went searching for her with the vain hope of catching up with her. In the end, I gave up and returned home. But on getting close to the house, I saw a huge crowd gathered outside.

“Then someone ran to me screaming ‘Come and see your wife.’ When I rushed in, I was told she slumped. Up till that time, she never complained to me about any illness or underlying condition.”
However, there was no vehicle to take her to the hospital as the road was deserted due to an ongoing strike by workers. When they eventually made it to the Federal Medical Centre in Ebute Metta, Oluronke had passed away.

She died five months before her wedding anniversary leaving behind a 12-year-old daughter who formerly stayed with her grandmother in Shomolu where she was schooling.

Forced to take custody, Babatunde faced the daunting task of breaking the news to his daughter, who fell ill from the shock. “She was placed on oxygen for two hours,” he recounts. “I cried like a baby; I was terrified of losing her too.”

When asked if he has plans to remarry, Babatunde admits it would be challenging. He recently met someone who has made an effort to bond with his daughter. However, he worries about the impact of introducing a new partner. “Sometimes my daughter hugs me tightly in front of her,” he says. “We have a special bond, and I miss my late wife every day.”

Psychiatrist Dr Imisiola Ibikunle from Aro Psychiatric Hospital encourages grieving single fathers to seek counselling and family support.

“They need love and support to reintegrate into society. Men who form intense bonds with their children, excluding the possibility of a new relationship, could benefit from counselling to balance their lives and consider what’s best for their kids,’’ she explained.

The doctor suggests that the mourning period depends on a man’s personality and the people he surrounds himself.
According to her, it is possible for some men to still feel lonely even in the midst of people.

“Such bereaved men are sometimes in denial. There is a time for them to make a resolution and move on with their lives. Again, they need help and someone to love them. Once a man going through this phase can deal with it, he will gradually reintegrate himself into society.

 “However, one can’t rule out the possibility of something coming up that will trigger his memory and he remembers his late wife again. He may feel low and down,” she stated.

 Ibikunle stated that it is tough handling the stress of work with the added burden of raising children.

Continuing, the psychiatrist noted that men who over time developed a strong bond with their kids to the extent of ruling out a fresh relationship and intimacy need some form of counselling.

 “Again, men who find themselves in this situation need to take a counselling session on parenting because they need to learn how to be a parent. Waking up children slowly, preparing them for school and attending to work has a way of slowing down people.

 “In most cases, children solely raised by single fathers often turn out to be who the man ignorantly makes them to be. They are only used to their own world. This is why many grow up not knowing how to warm up to people because that is the kind of life they are used to,” she noted.
Ibikunle advises single fathers to take time to heal before rushing into new relationships. “They should ask themselves the kind of mother figure they want for their children. It’s better to allow a potential partner time to build a genuine bond with the children.

 “Again, if the woman is not warming up to the children, it is something the man needs to iron out and give her time to warm up to them. That should be the approach instead of getting annoyed, fighting or looking for a solution that is not there,” she counselled.

An Abuja-based marriage counsellor, Bode Olagoke, however, warned single fathers against rushing into another relationship when they have not healed completely.

Olagoke also harped on giving the children ample chance to mature into teenagers before a single father should start a new relationship.

According to him, such children have reached an age of discernment so they can stand up for themselves in the face of aggression or perceived bullying.

 He said, “As a father, journalist and counsellor, I will advise that before a single dad should contemplate remarrying, he should give enough time to properly heal. Again, he needs to bond very well with the children left behind by his late wife.

“There is a need to ensure the children are of age, probably within the age range of 14 or 16. However, we cannot rule out the need to marry again because of his health. There are natural duties God has given to women.
 ‘’But if a man decides to combine his natural role with the duties of a woman, it may lead to health breakdown and affect his career. For instance, you are working in an office from 9am to 5pm. But in the absence of your wife, a widower may panic and get disorganised once it is noon because he will be thinking about the children and what they might take for lunch when they return from school.

 “But if he has a nanny or new wife, she will fill that particular role for him until the children come of age. At that point, your fear of any woman maltreating or bullying your children is out of the question. Again, he needs some form of constant counselling to overcome these challenges.”

For many single fathers, starting over isn’t just about finding love but about creating stability and security for their children. With adequate support, they may one day find the courage to move forward without losing the precious memories of the past.